The DEATH SENTENCE

1 K'Anne 10-25-2012

THE DEATH SENTENCE

Another year has come and gone.  Yes, most people start their New Year in January; some cultures have other time tables for their ‘New Years.’  Mine start every April because 14 years ago I was given a death sentence

Every year about this time I get nostalgic.  Not for the sounds of spring, although I’ve waited through a long winter (since October for that), not for life to begin again, although that too has happened.  You see, 14 years ago I wasn’t feeling very well.  I couldn’t BREATHE.  I made a doctor’s appointment for two days after I would return from a business trip.  On the way to the doctor’s appointment, I ran out of gas.  These were the days that not everyone had a cell phone so I missed my appointment and when I finally made it to a phone, they said the doctor wasn’t available for two weeks.  Given the way I was feeling, that was too long!  I asked if there was anything else we could do.  Since the Nurse Practitioner was available, I eagerly grasped at that idea.

I saw the Nurse Practitioner on Wednesday.  On Thursday I had x-rays, a lot of them, intensive ones.  On Friday, they were to do a biopsy of my neck, instead they removed all the lymph nodes on the right side of my neck.  I know, I was awake for this procedure, anestheticized so I wouldn’t move, but awake and had to talk so they wouldn’t cut into my vocal chords by mistake.  I could however see everything in the shine of the metal holding the lights above me.  Watching them cut and pull out the lumps that constituted my lymph nodes was gross, the sensation made it worse.

The following week it was confirmed, I had Lymphoma – Cancer.  It was pretty extensive in the upper part of my body.  I had it on both sides of my neck, a 10cm (4 inch) tumor over my heart and lung, and another tumor (no size was mentioned) under my arm.  I was told if I did NOTHING that I had 4-5 months to LIVE.  My sons were 10 & 12 at the time and we went to my mother’s funeral from cancer in January.  She’d been their second parent so the fear in all three of us was real.

Normal Chemotherapy takes twelve months or more.  We didn’t have the time.  My doctor had heard of an experiment going on in Stanford up by Palo Alto and nearby San Francisco.  It was called The Stanford Five Protocol.  One week you got three poisons, one week you got two.  I didn’t even hesitate, I said, let’s go for it.  Just wanted to make sure I got the medicine and not a placebo or something.  He said he’d make sure I got the meds, I don’t know how he did it but I was soon hooked up to an I.V. that made my veins burn with cold. 

Within two weeks my waist length hair was falling out and I shaved it off, so much of our confidence is tied into our appearance and I no longer cared .  Every week for Nine weeks I went in, by myself, sometimes with my Golden Retriever – Sophie in the car with me.  I thought I’d be done and out the door after that 9th week.  Nope, I was told they were going to do a full TWELVE weeks.  THAT was DEPRESSING.  Those last couple of weeks were the HARDEST to go in and have that poison pumped in my now hiding veins.  Essentially I took twelve MONTHS of chemotherapy but in twelve WEEKS.

For someone who was given such a prognosis of 4-5 months, reflecting on that occasion is an annual event.  I’m here, it’s been 14 YEARS and I’m still kicking.  Yes the residual pains SUCK as I will ache FOREVER, the joints hurt like hell and I’m a bit more fragile than I used to be, but the point is…I’m HERE.  I have since broken bones, sprained things, and watched my poor body age BUT… 

None of my books would have been written, I wouldn’t have seen some of the things I have seen, and I wouldn’t have had a lot of the blessings I have been fortunate enough to experience…but I am HERE, I am QUEER, and I am ALIVE and LIVING!   Every day is a blessing, and while I’m certain I’m living on ‘borrowed’ time, I’m LIVING!

Original Post: Do you believe in Miracles?

It’s all personal

Originally posted on Wonder Boi Writes:

So the news the last few weeks has been kind of bad. Between the bigot who blasted my family on Facebook and trans kids being bullied to death and Indiana going bat shit crazy, it’s easy to get caught up in our national back swing.  Never mind that rapid social progress is always followed by conservative blowback. Never mind that any seasoned activist will tell you it’s always two steps forward and one step back.  Never mind that for every crazy politician spouting hate there’s two more moving closer to full inclusion. It still hurts.

I’ve been out for fourteen years. You’d think I’d be used to it by now, but I still feel the burn of shame in my cheeks when I hear a pastor rail against my family. My stomach clenches when I have to explain to my son why he’s not a boy scout. My shoulders still tighten…

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Ghostly Love as a Pocket Paperback

Ghostly Love Cover

What happens when you fall in love with your best friend? What if that best friend is a GHOST?

Stacey is your normal teenager, living with the the ‘normal’ teenage angst moments. She just happens to have a friend who is a ghost. This takes her on a journey, while it would have been normal for most people, it is guided by her friend Renata who just happens to be dead. As the years go by and Stacey experiences life she finds that love eludes her until she realizes it has been there all along. What do you do when the love of your life turns out to be a GHOST?

 In e-book and Pocket Paperback

MALICE Pocket Paperbacks, new covers, new releases

Book 1 Mysterious Malice Cover Book 2 Meticulous Malice Cover Book 3 Mistaken Malice Book 4 Malicious Malice Book 5 Masterful Malice Book 6 Matrimonial Malice Book 7 Mourning Malice Book 8 Murderous Malice Book 9 Mental Malice Book 10 Menacing Malice

There is nothing like a little murder, mayhem, and mystery in your pocket and now I’m pleased to offer ALL of the first TEN of the MALICE SERIES of books in Pocket Paperbacks!  Each is now available for your reading pleasure as well as in the ‘normal’ sized Novels in groups of five.  Look for the remaining Malice books (hopefully soon) in Pocket Paperback!  Click on the cover for where to buy these AWESOME little books, all for under $10!  You can still get them in e-book form of course but is there ANYTHING like the feel of pages between your fingers??  Also, if you prefer to buy them in the Novels I have created, please click on the two covers below:

Malice Masterpieces the First Five Books Front Cover  Malice Masterpieces 2

So, whatever you pleasure, check out what you would like or go to my website at www.kannemeinel.com and choose your poison!

Blog Hop

Book 17 Marinating Malice

Kathy needs to move on but her thoughts seem to be keeping her in the past.  It is time though.  Her wife has been dead over eighteen months.  She has a girlfriend who would like to become her lover.  Is she ready to put the past behind her and move on?

Trust seems to be the issue, not on her part but on the part of Special Agent Linda Miller, is she ready to take the next step, clues to Kathy and her wife’s past seem to intrigue her a little too much, maybe it’s the cop in her.

Things seem to be conspiring to make Kathy crazy, is she really seeing the clues that point to what she thinks she is seeing?  Her friends keep telling her that she isn’t seeing what she thinks is there. Is it all in her mind?   Is it possible that her wife is still alive or is she only brimming with hope?  Her thoughts keep her prisoner…

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Homophobia

Today a friend of mine experienced homophobia up close and personal.  She was minding her own business and someone called her a ‘name’ which was clearly derogatory to her.  He then proceeded to get in a car and try to run her down.  She got out of the way just in time, but not quite, as her foot got run over.  Another friend socked the guy and gave him a black eye.  Now I do NOT condone violence but I can see how I would have reacted in a similar manner.  My friend did NOTHING to warrant the attack.  Apparently this guy had seen her several times at this social gathering and always glared at her and left.  He apparently took offense at her looks, he didn’t know her, he had never spoken to her, he had no way to actually know that she was and is gay.  Today for some reason he chose to act on his obvious hate.  I’m sad about this because no one deserves to be treated in this manner.  Now my friend was lucky that no bones were broken and she’s just bruised up, but what COULD have happened when he deliberately swerved towards her was much more, so much more.  All he had to do is lose control for an instant, beyond the obvious brain loss that occurred.  Had he hit the group of people AND my friend there could have been broken bones or worse.  I shudder to think of losing this particular friend as she has become one of my closest over the time I have known her.

The truly sad thing is it was all on his part, not on my friends.  She did NOTHING to provoke him or his hatred.  He did right by leaving if her presence offended him.  My mother always said if you can’t say anything nice say nothing at all.  He should have said nothing, he should have done nothing, now he will be up on charges from vehicular ones to homophobic ones, both illegal in this part of the world.  He has created a situation that he cannot come back from and I can’t say as I think it couldn’t happen to a more deserving soul.

I won’t go into my thoughts on all this but my heart is hurting that my friend is hurt.  I am grateful that she is here to share what happened and that she is alive to tell her tale.  I’m sad though that there are individuals out there who would commit such a crime and so dire a one that could have had unforseen circumstances.  Some would say, but she is alive, it didn’t happen, the point is, it COULD have.  All because someone couldn’t handle their homophobia.

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Poetry

I’m not a big fan of poetry…maybe because Mr. Crawford, my high school English teacher made us read it and as a high schooler, it seemed boring and inconsequential.  I like to think as an author and an adult, my tastes have changed over the years to include a level of sophistication that might actually appreciate the fine writing that I have been privileged to see and read.  I have even delved into a small bit of it myself POEM & PROSE.  It can be so moving, so deep, and take your mind to places that it leads, you are merely following.  It can be so profound that it leaves you drained from the journey, or crying as it relates to you and your life.  I no longer find it boring or even inconsequential, I find myself looking for meaning in words that convey a depth of emotion or a meaning within the meanings, or even a story that enlightens me.  I would like for you to take a moment to check out my fellow authors over at Shadoe Publishing who I have had the privilege and sincere pleasure of enjoying.  Thank you Chris Parsons and Maria Ayala for showing me that Mr. Crawford, while boring himself, was right, Poetry and Prose has a whole lot MORE to offer…K’Anne Meinel

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