Why I decided NOT to come out!
What’s the big deal with ‘coming out?’ It’s not like when you are presented on your daddy’s arm to society meaning you are fit to come out and take your place with the real adults. You don’t get a party. Instead a lot of the time you are getting a lot of flak from people who don’t understand your need to tell them that you like members of the same sex. And a lot of those who don’t understand, its sheer ignorance, but they think then that you like ALL members of the same sex and if they are of that sex that you might just hit on them. They should be THAT lucky, don’t flatter themselves, not everyone who likes members of the same sex like ALL members of that sex!
In hindsight, I guess deep down I was always a lesbian. I look at some of the tell-tale signs and I see things that were ignored as being just a tom-boy, or just a late-bloomer. I didn’t have boyfriends until my senior year in high school and then only because I wanted to be able to say I had one. There were guys I was attracted to, friends with even, but no one really that I wanted to sleep with. I looked at Playgirl and thought these men were beautiful but there was something missing and I didn’t realize what.
In my twenties I married a man that I thought would give me the American Dream, the white picket fence and the 2.5 children. Instead he racked up a lot of bills, ended up being a thief and a liar, and destroyed a lot of faith I had in men. He did give me two and a half wonderful children (miscarriage) and my boys were the joy of a woman who wasn’t sure she wanted children at all. He was an absentee father and it think this was good for all of us because my mother and I raised the boys alone. My son takes great delight in saying he was raised by two women because in this day and age it means something totally different, lol.
I remember the episode of Ellen where she came out and it did exactly what it should do, create conversations all over the World about people and their ‘secrets.’ I too had a conversation with my mother and this before I had even known about my own sexuality. I asked her ‘what if I was gay?’ I don’t think she was shocked but she might have been worried since I didn’t date and she knew that. Her answer though at the time has stuck with me over the years. ‘I would be sorry because it seems like such a hard life’ but she let me know that she would still love me and I’ve felt that even years after she is gone. She was right though, a lot of the time, it is a hard life! Not something I would ‘choose.’ It is a part of who I am but it doesn’t DEFINE me!
I didn’t discover my attraction to women until in my thirties. I began to watch ER with their lesbian storyline and it disturbed me. I was raised in the Midwest and had only known a handful of lesbians in my time; I didn’t really know anything about it until then. I didn’t realize how much it disturbed me until much later. I began to think why not? I wasn’t having dates with men, why not women. I didn’t realize I had been too busy working and raising my children to have dates with anyone much less a woman or a man. I made the time though to pursue this idea and found a wonderful woman who made me realize that yes, I like women much more than men. It didn’t last but it taught me a lot about myself. Did I tell everyone my discovery? No, I only told a few close friends, no relatives.
Quite a few years have gone by and I began to publish books and stories that I had written over the years mostly with a lesbian themed romance. Again, I haven’t officially ‘come out’ but then why should I? At my age (number withheld because you don’t ask a lady her age, lol) I always figured, haven’t they figured it out by now? If ‘they’ cared, they would have noticed, they would have read about me or read my books…whoever ‘they’ are, related or not. If ‘they’ don’t know I’m a lesbian, then ‘they’ don’t deserve to be invited to my party.
My ‘party’ or my ‘coming out’ is ‘my life’ and you don’t get invited unless you are willing to accept me as I am.
I AM K’Anne Meinel, an author, a beginning activist, a woman, a mother, a lesbian, and a human being!