VAGINA!

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A few years ago, The L Word came up with a fantastic episode where they began to discuss alternate words for THE VAGINA!  See it here:

Well, I don’t know WHERE I came up with THIS list, I’m sure Google helped enormously, but I can’t tell you where it all came from, what site it came from, or, who to ‘thank.’  I would if I could.  I’ve had it in a file on my computers for years.  I thought it might help in my writing.  Btw, I did not alter any of these words/phrases.  As you can see by the list, it had to have had plenty of ‘male’ help.  No offense to my male readers, but some of the names on the list are downright offensive to this WOMAN, and as a LESBIAN I find some of them equally disgusting if not more so.  I will admit to not understanding SOME of them, because, well, read them and see why.  I will also admit to the occasional blush.

But, a conversation arose on Facebook the other day and it was about certain words that are used in Lesbian Fiction.  I thought, write a blog about words that some couldn’t handle IN THEIR FACE (Gettit?  Lesbian’s, and in your face?  I’m so punny).  I mean, there is only so many ways you can describe some things, but some of the ways some writers have chosen to go about is downright hilarious.  I am not making fun of anyone in particular, I am sure some of my ‘alternates’ have been funny to some, but come on people…don’t you have beta readers or editors who stopped you, or, at least, brought it your attention?

So, here is my gift to you my readers, followers, and other authors, in no particular order, ALTERNATE WORDS and phrases to the word VAGINA!  Have at it and enjoy the hilarity.   Comments are welcome, more alternative words and phrases will be welcome, and have a (pardon the pun) ball reading this, I know I did!  Please reference the ‘helpful’ numbers I put in there for the words when talking about said ALTERNATE WORD.  Also note that I had to ‘update’ my dictionary for ‘some’ of these words, rolling my eyes here…poor spell-check.

1. Pussy
2. Vag-gi-gi or Vag-ji-ji or Vag-jay-jay
3. bearded clam
4. vertical smile
5. beaver
6. trim
7. hair pie
8. bearded ax wound
9. tuna taco
10. fur burger
11. cooch
12. cooter
13. punani
14. snatch
15. twat
16. lovebox
17. box
18. poontang
19. cookie
20. hole
21. love canal
22. flower
23. nana
24. pink taco
25. cat
26. catcher’s mitt
27. muff
28. roast beef curtains
29. the cum dump
30. chocha
31. black hole
32. sperm sucker
33. fish sandwich
34. warmer
35. whisker biscuit
36. carpet
37. love hole
38. deep socket
39. cum craver
40. squeezer
41. slice of heaven
42. flesh cavern
43. the great divide
44. cherry
45. tongue depressor
46. clit slit
47. hatchet wound
48. honey pot
49. quim
50. meat massager
51. chacha
52. stinkhole
53. black hole of calcutta
54. socket
55. pink taco
56. bottomless pit
57. dead clam
58. cum crack
59. twat
60. rattlesnake canyon
61. bush
62. cunny
63. flaps
64. fuzz box
65. fuzzy wuzzy
66. gash
67. glory hole
68. grumble
69. man in the boat
70. mud flaps
71. mound
72. peach
73. pink
74. piss flaps
75. the fish flap
76. love rug
77. vadge
78. the furry cup
79. stench-trench
80. wizard’s sleeve
81. DNA dumpster
82. tuna town
83. split dick
84. bikini bizkit
85. holster
86. cockpit
87. snooch
88. kitty kat
89. poody tat
90. grassy knoll
91. cold cut combo
92. Jewel box
93. rosebud
94. curly curtains
95. furry furnace
96. slop hole
97. velcro love triangle
98. nether lips
99. where Uncle’s doodle goes
100. altar of love
101. cupid’s cupboard
102. bird’s nest
103. bucket
104. cock-chafer
105. love glove
106. serpent socket
107. spunk-pot
108. hairy doughnut
109. fun hatch
110. spasm chasm
111. red lane
112. stinky speedway
113. bacon hole
114. belly entrance
115. nookie
116. sugar basin
117. sweet briar
118. breakfast of champions
119. wookie
120. fish mitten
121. pocket
122. hump hole
123. pink circle
124. silk igloo
125. scrambled eggs between the legs
126. black oak
127. Republic of Labia
128. juice box
129. Golden Palace
130. fetus flaps
131. skins
132. sausage wallet
133. Holiest of Holies
134. sugar hole
135. The Death of Adam
136. home plate
137. Deer Hoof
138. Golden Arches
139. Cats Paw
140. Mule Nose
141. Yo Yo Smuggler
142. Mumbler (Aussie)
143. Dinner Roll
144. Crotch Waffle
145. Piss Fenders
146. crack Melvin
147. Dove Breast
148. Brakepads
149. Vedgie
150. Slurpy
151. Vacuum Vulva
152. Pastrami Flaps
153. Hot Tamaki Walk
154. Buffalo Gums
155. Rooster Jaws
156. Wagon Ruts
157. Beaver Teeth
158. Mumble Pants (Sweden)
159. Ninja Boot
160. Marcia (Aussie)
161. Skin Canoe
162. Fatty
163. Mossy Jaw
164. The Big W
165. Chia Hole
166. Lip Jeans
167. Beetle Hood
168. Hungry Minge
169. Sausage Wallet
170. Front Bottom
171. Welly Top
172. Frum
173. Pancake Fold
174. Tongue Roll
175. Bologna Flap-Over
176. Furrogi (Poland)
177. Fortune Nookie (China)
178. Bearded Taco
179. Calamari Cockring
180. Displabia
181. Slot Pocket
182. Bluntfrunt
183. Fishamjig
184. Pole Magnet
185. Pocket Pie
186. Clamarama
187. kitty cage
188. Chicken’s tongue
189. Conch shell
190. Crack of heaven
191. Dog’s mouth
192. Door of life
193. Fly catcher
194. Fruit cup
195. Jelly roll
196. Lobster pot
197. bunny tuft
198. knish
199. her neighbor
200. lotus
201. nappy dugout
202. moneymaker
203. womens weapon
204. tackle box
205. bone hider
206. red sea
207. pizzo
208. Jizz receptacle
209. The Helmut Hide-A-Way
210. hairy heaven
211. furry 8 ball rack
212. crave cave
213. arbys with fur
214. fish canyon
215. toolshed
216. snake charmer
217. Furby
218. Enchilada of love
219. Ham sandwich
220. Camarillo brillo
221. Brazilian caterpillar
222. dick rack boy in the canoe
223. flesh tuxedo
224. Mound of Venus
225. queef quarters
226. Venus butterfly
227. cooter
228. cream canal
229. poontang pie
230. wet mark
231. private area
232. thresher
233. punash
234. salami garage
235. tunnel of love
236. slurpee machine
237. pink cookie
238. penalty box
239. ground zero
240. meat crease
241. bait
242. birth canal
243. holy grail
244. pole hole
245. pork pie
246. fuzz bucket
247. one-eyed python trail
248. bubble gum by the bum
249. stink rink
250. theme park
251. saloon doors
252. pink truffle
253. bitter & twisted
254. burger bar
255. meat counter
256. temperamental ring piece
257. python syphon
258. big bud
259. the Wombsday Book
260. the condo downstate
261. snake lake
262. the indoor barbecue
263. pound cake
264. beef tomato
265. tickled pink
266. launch pad
267. horn of plenty
268. the indoor picnic
269. hamper of goodies
270. flapped bap
271. bonefish
272. close encounter with the turd kind
273. sperm bank
274. man’s charity bash
275. bush tucker midnight dip
276. the one-door vulva
277. the welcome opponent
278. the Twatlantic Ocean
279. temporary lodgings
280. field of dreams
281. bean
282. cooze
283. old catchers mitt
284. devil’s hole
285. lucy
286. pish buffet
287. pooswaa
288. poonaner
289. davey jones locker
290. pink panther
291. tinker bell
292. south mouth
293. dick eater
294. wonder bread
295. wolly bolly
296. foxhole
297. hot pocket
298. head catcher
299. Lawrence of A Labia
300. silk funnel
301. dick driver
302. purple people penis eater
303. meat curtains
304. ponchita
305. cherry pop tart
306. fat rabbit
307. s
308. pee jaws
309. mingus
310. The Notorious V.A.G.
311. stench trench
312. poon jab
313. nappy dugout
314. babyoven
315. penis parking
316. cooter muffin
317. the promised land
318. pocket
319. cha cha
320. the shrine
321. bitch ditch
322. fury pink mink
323. mammal hole
324. ever-lasting cum stopper
325. the toothless blow job
326. happy flappy
327. wilt chamberlian’s daily glove
328. the code defier
329. the salt water taffy factory
330. mommy’s pie
331. the easy bake oven
332. the deflower patch
333. the virginator
334. the schlong sucker
335. the dea bone patch
336. the vegetarian’s temptation
337. the vegan store
338. the blow hole
339. the pump protector
340. bag pipe
341. Spitball Bullseye
342. meat wagon
343. pickle stinker
344. jezebel’s smell
345. yoni
346. willys haven
347. scrumpter peach
348. sweat box
349. yeast pocket
350. penis warmer
351. tampon tunnel
352. penis pothole
353. cucumber canal
354. egg drop Box
355. sperm shack
356. dick dungeon
357. curator
358. b.o.b.’s bungalow
359. mommy parts
360. tuna pot pie
361. nice slice
362. peter vise
363. sock
364. rack of clam
365. peters grove
366. penis purse
367. grandest canyon
368. fish dish
369. banana box
370. tuna spread
371. pink portal
372. count fapula
373. red river gorge
374. happy valley
375. revolving in/out door
376. baby zipper
377. richards house
378. stop-n-pop
379. bone polisher
380. packin’ shack
381. wiener wrap
382. clap trap
383. camel toe
384. dildo hotel
385. axe gash
386. pearl hotel
387. sea food six pack
388. clam canal
389. coose canal
390. dick deposit
391. wand waxer
392. vidgie
393. erie canal
394. candy kiss
395. gauntlet
396. round mound of beehound
397. lick n’ stick
398. lap flounder
399. tomahawk chop
400. chin-chin
401. pachinko
402. ry pie
403. lip tip
404. the big casino
405. one eyed worm hole
406. amazon forest
407. cave
408. donut
409. coochie pop
410. babby
411. wet seal
412. pissy froth hole
413. bald biscuit
414. the unmentionable
415. man’s ruin
416. peeshie
417. hairy potter
418. courtney cocksleeve
419. panty hamster
420. deep pink
421. jaws of life
422. gizmo
423. faith
424. magnet
425. slippery slide
426. Meat tunnel
427. pink heaven
428. squid
429. dick basket
430. hot spot
431. poochika
432. pudding
433. bowl
434. love cave
435. squeeze-box
436. quim
437. honey pot
438. the bone collector
439. goodie basket
440. depository
441. pink turtleneck
442. bread-box
443. little debbie
444. pole hole
445. pandora’s box
446. snail tracker
447. zilla
448. homebase
449. pud pocket
450. bear trap
451. indiana bones and the temple of poon
452. chanch
453. big montana
454. noochie
455. choot
456. golden valley
457. nappy roots
458. dick mitten
459. mystical fold

And, for those who prefer the technical terms for the Vagina, make sure you are anatomically correct in your phrases, because sometimes, it’s equally hilarious when you don’t realize where things just might be, ya know?

 Your Welcome.

Oh, and if you are reading this and are not a follower, WELCOME.  Please SHARE my posts to your own followers, your own friends, etc.  Be social, it’s all about social media, right?  You can sign up for my blog down in the lower right of this blog with the + sign or up in the left-hand side too.  Click on the other titles of my blog so you can see it’s not all about the vagina but actually, books, and maybe a little bit more…

Also, for all of you, read some of my latest at www.kannemeinel.com!

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Pirated Heart, the sequel to Pirated Love

~A swashbuckling good time~

From China to India to Africa and home to England…Will the love that Bettina Carmichaels shares with her wife, Claire, stand the test of time?  Will it even last the second year of marriage?

Trading, pirating, sword fights, sea battles, near drownings, and imprisonment…a sailor’s life may not be for all.  Come along as Tina, also known as ‘Black Betty,’ and Claire attempt to repair their failing marriage and survive sailing on the high seas…

     

And coming soon to these three:

The Northwood Lodge

I am pleased to present to you my FIRST non-fiction novella.  A biographical novella about my father and grandparents with plenty of pictures.

In 1934, John Dillinger engaged in a shoot-out with the Division of Investigation, later called the F.B.I., at Little Bohemia in Manitowish Waters, Wisconsin.  Next door to Little Bohemia was the Northwood Lodge owned by Ernst and Agatha Meinel, my paternal grandparents.

And coming soon to these two retailers:

Another NEW year, celebrate WITH me!

I don’t know why this date always sticks out, because I don’t recall the exact day I found out I had cancer.  However, I do remember it was April, I’d just come back from an expo with my sons, my mother had died of brain cancer in January, I was selling my house in Southern California, I was finishing up my lengthy divorce that had taken over six years, and I was very, very sick.  I couldn’t breathe.  It was a Wednesday when I got in to see the doctor.  On Thursday I had x-rays, on Friday I went in for a biopsy…I was awake for the surgery where they removed the lymph nodes in my neck…it was gross because I could see the entire procedure on the shiny light above me, I couldn’t move from the anesthetic paralysis they had put me in, but they wanted me to talk to them, you know, in case they hit my vocal chords?

I’d been sick for a year, I knew it, as a woman, as a mother, and as someone who feels things very intrinsically.   I ignored it.  Why?  I was trying to raise two boys.  They were, when I found out my prognosis, aged twelve and ten.  I was also trying to run two businesses, one of them internationally and it was growing exponentially.  I was also trying to maintain two households.  I had a house in Huntington Beach, CA and another that I was renting in Los Osos, CA.  Then, my mother started behaving oddly.  She was living in our house in Huntington Beach and I was ‘home’ for the weekend.  I remember the first sign vividly in October of 2000 as it still hurts, even though she didn’t mean it, and it was so out of character for her.

We were watching some TV and a commercial came on about abuse.  A woman of about forty was yelling.  You would assume by what she was yelling that she was saying it to kids, abusing them.  Then the camera panned out to show a little old lady, practically cringing away from yelling woman.  I was horrified.  I turned to my mother and told her how much that commercial upset me.  Not that it was okay if it was children she was yelling at, neither was it okay to yell at a defenseless older woman.  My mother looked at me almost blankly for a moment and said, “Well, what do you think you do to me?”  I stared at her in the same horror that I had felt at seeing that commercial.  I gasped.  I also defended myself.  I said, “I would never speak to you in that manner!”  She had raised me correctly and she knew I would NEVER raise my voice to her.  She subsided after that.  I, however, realized something was wrong.  My wonderful, kind, and patient mother was behaving irrationally, that was the ‘first’ incident that I was aware of.

In November of that year, I bought another house, this time in Los Osos, CA, across the bay from Morro Bay, CA, so we could all live under one roof again.  It had to have a fenced in yard since we had two dogs, five cats, two growing boys, and my mother and I, as well as near enough to my warehouse in Morro Bay.  We were all elated as I signed the paperwork.  I had told no one as I didn’t want to jinx it until it was complete, good thing too as a week after I signed the seller changed their mind.  I felt horrible as my mother was so excited about us living together again.  She adored her grandchildren which she had helped me raise once I became a single parent.  I firmly believe that with her help they turned into better human beings than they would have it I had been completely alone for those years.

At Thanksgiving, I arranged to have someone else cook our dinner, I was too busy with work and picked it up.  We really enjoyed the meal and my mother was behaving oddly.  I kept asking her if she was okay the whole weekend before I had to get back to my other home and work up in Morro Bay.  It was a four-hour drive.

My mother knew my 1-800 number (it’s a free number to call businesses to those of you who don’t have that in your country) by heart and called me at least once a day, or I called her to check in.  A week or so before Christmas I couldn’t reach her.  I tried for days.  I had the police go do a ‘wellness’ check where they go pound on the door and ask the occupant if they are ‘okay.’  There was no response.  I finished up my Christmas rush of orders as fast as I could and headed down as soon as the boys were out of school for the day.  No one answered the door, my key worked, but the door was bolted.  I could, however, hear the dogs barking.  I had to lift my boys, one by one, over the back fence.  My biggest worry was that she had died in the house and they would find her, there was nothing I could do.  They went through the dogie door.  I went around to the front of our town home and they let me in.  My mother was sitting on the couch and was like, “Hi there!”  I was not amused, but I was relieved.

Fortunately, across the common area of our townhome complex lived my friend Jill.  She had been a nurse for years and I went to see her after we visited for a while at mom’s.  I asked her what I should do and she recommended I take my mother to the E.R. and tell them about her altered state, just as I had told her.  With that course in mind I went home and asked my mother when was the last time she had bathed.  Clearly, she could no longer take care of herself and this altered state of mind worried me.  Was she taking her meds?  Was she feeding the dogs?  I had regular orders of groceries delivered, part of our phone calls so I could just arrange that all the time.  Everything ‘seemed’ fine but I knew something was wrong.  She asked me if she stank, I assured her that she didn’t, but wondered if a bath would make her ‘feel’ better.  It did.  We had a delightful evening together, just like always.  The next morning, I took her to the E.R., she would never return home.

Getting her to the hospital alone was a nightmare.  I had one of those extended vans and she couldn’t get up in it.  I tried to lift her, but as we were about equal in weight and height, that didn’t work.  Then, her colostomy bag broke and we had to clean her up.  It took two HOURS to get her out the door and to the E.R. which was about ten minutes away.  I felt so bad as though I had failed her as a daughter.  I hadn’t, but I felt that way.

They kept her because based on my description of her behavior, they ran a scan and found a brain-tumor.  The doctor was eager to operate.  I could imagine my mother’s horror at the idea.  She was a very conscientious and particular person…about the way things should and shouldn’t be done.  She was very classy, very dignified.  She’d already survived thyroid and colon cancer, she would not want her head shaved and them digging into her brain.  The tumor had metastasized already but not from her other two cancers.  I have a theory that when she went in for her regular checkup in June, that they found out about the tumor, and she chose not to tell me.  She chose to let it go.  I decided then and there, knowing my mother, that she wouldn’t want the brief amount of time the doctors would have given her with such a surgery.  She would want to go on, she was tired of fighting, she was tired of living, she would want to die with dignity.  We’d talked extensively over the years about her two cancers, her three strokes, and I knew her well enough to know what she would want and the decisions she would make if she could.  I refused to allow the surgery.  I told my mother who was lucid, but had short-term memory loss, my decision.  I wasn’t sure she was nodding because she trusted me or because she agreed with me.  After telling her three times that weekend that she was dying of a brain tumor, I was done, I wouldn’t tell her anymore.  It hurt too much.  This was Saturday when I admitted her, by Monday she was in a coma.  They said she would never awaken again and probably be dead by Thursday.  This was right before Christmas 2000.

My mother not only woke up again, she recognized me, my boys, and my brother when he visited.  Nothing like making a liar out of the doctors.  During the last days, she had a stroke.  She always thought she would die of a stroke since her mother had, so when she tried to ask me what was wrong with her and I couldn’t tell her again that she was dying of a brain tumor, I told her she’d had a stroke.  THAT she could understand and comprehend and it seemed to give her comfort.  She even tried, during the last days, to comfort me when I was crying about her dying.  She told me I would be okay, patting me on the stomach.  She was right, I would be okay.  When she slipped back into her coma a few days later, I told her to go on, don’t hang around for me, I would be fine, she raised a strong woman, and I loved her.  She died the next day on January 4, 2001.

Four months later in April I was dealing with my own prognosis and possible death.  It was terrifying for my two boys.  I tell you, if they didn’t exist, I probably would not have fought so hard.  The doctor told me if I did nothing that I would live maybe 4-5 months…and it wouldn’t be a very pleasant death, choking to death.  I became a human guinea pig.

You might wonder why I tell all this, part of it is to remember because I need to, to exorcise it from my psyche.  Part of it is to tell others that no matter how bad things are, you can do it, you can deal with it.  I write about strong women in my books because I am a strong woman, my mother was a strong woman, my grandmother was a strong woman, my great-grandmother was one too…so I come from a long line of strong women and that is what I know and write about.  Here’s a bit of trivia, I am the youngest daughter, of the youngest daughter, of the youngest daughter, of the youngest daughter…how is that for a legacy?  I have no daughters, lol

No matter what you go through, what you may go through, you can do it…I firmly believe that the fates, that a higher power, God if you believe, doesn’t give you ANYthing that you can’t handle.  So, celebrate with me that it’s been SIXTEEN years since that long-ago prognosis.  I’m here, I’m still publishing stories that I hope you all enjoy, AND there is more to come.

If you wish to read more about my cancer story, please click here, here, here, and for the first mention, here.

AND, as always, check out my website to look at all my amazing books!  (Click on the picture to be taken to the site)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mainstream vs Lesfic

When I came out with my book Doctored last year I had a conundrum.  ALL of my books pretty much have a lesbian or two in them.  Unfortunately Lesbian Fiction does not sell well.  I mean, I have the greatest following of lesbians, but I wanted to reach more, and not just lesbians.  Fortunately for me, Doctored sold well and the next book Veil of Silence sold just as well.  This is because I didn’t list them initially AS Lesfic, because, technically all books can be listed otherwise, in these cases as Women’s Fiction, Contemporary, and in Veil of Silence‘s case, War.  I’ve done the same with my most recent release of The Outsider and I have to say loyal Amazon fans and now Apple and Barnes & Noble fans are the best.  They follow you, they want everything you write, and they make me smile with the comments I get regarding my writings.

I debated long and hard about going mainstream, after all, my books are about the STORY, not the SEX.  I do not do fade to black, so if you are reading this and worry about reading a lesbian sex scene, you can skip those pages.  Heck, my very conservative aunt read Veil of Silence and thought it was fantastic, and that has some definite lesbian sex scenes.  So, the debate goes on in my head about what I should do.  I mean, I’ll always write lesbian stories, you write what you know, and I’m definitely a lesbian…or so my girlfriend tells me, lol.  

The crossover though is worth it, if you can support it, I think my writings do cross over.  I have a large male following and I once thought it was for the sex scenes but in queries to those fans it turns out they like a well-written book…who would have thought?

I appreciate ALL my fans, the men, the women, the lesbians, the gays, the straight, the bi-sexual, the trans, the PEOPLE, because isn’t that what it’s ALL about?  The PEOPLE and their stories?

So, if you like a well-written novel, pop over to my website and pick one or two or as many as you can handle…it’s a challenge, a dare, and I think if you are reading this, you are up for it!

Doctored, Veil of Silence, and The Outsider as well as many others await you!

  

That’s what we WANT to see, rising sales!

This is the screen shot of The Outsider in mainstream, this is for ALL of Amazon, not just one small section.  Out of the millions of submissions, my book is doing well!  Thank you, it is really appreciated by this author!

And please, don’t forget to tell others your thoughts, that’s all we ask after you have read our books:

The Outsider is FINALLY here!

Joy Parker had the perfect childhood.  Doted on by her parents, she couldn’t imagine her childhood any different.  As a child and later a young adult, she’s ignored by her much older siblings, made to feel the outsider…until a tragedy occurs, altering her life in ways she couldn’t possibly have imagined. 

The next few years of her life are vastly different from her parents’ hopes and dreams for her.  Then suddenly, another life-altering event changes the course of her life and she must make decisions she never dreamt possible.  Winning the largest lottery in Wisconsin history opens the flood gates of possibility and means Joy must again decide which direction to take with the rest of her life. 

What would you do if you won $341,726,178.10 after taxes?  Come along for the ride as we discover what Joy Parker decides to do with it….

Available from these fine retailers:

and coming soon to these two retailers:

Or you can buy it directly from my website here:

The first chapter is even available on the website for FREE!

It’s coming…

Click on the picture: