Coming out!

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Why I decided NOT to come out!

What’s the big deal with ‘coming out?’  It’s not like when you are presented on your daddy’s arm to society meaning you are fit to come out and take your place with the real adults.  You don’t get a party.  Instead a lot of the time you are getting a lot of flak from people who don’t understand your need to tell them that you like members of the same sex.  And a lot of those who don’t understand, its sheer ignorance, but they think then that you like ALL members of the same sex and if they are of that sex that you might just hit on them.  They should be THAT lucky, don’t flatter themselves, not everyone who likes members of the same sex like ALL members of that sex!

In hindsight, I guess deep down I was always a lesbian.  I look at some of the tell-tale signs and I see things that were ignored as being just a tom-boy, or just a late-bloomer.  I didn’t have boyfriends until my senior year in high school and then only because I wanted to be able to say I had one.  There were guys I was attracted to, friends with even, but no one really that I wanted to sleep with.  I looked at Playgirl and thought these men were beautiful but there was something missing and I didn’t realize what.

In my twenties I married a man that I thought would give me the American Dream, the white picket fence and the 2.5 children.  Instead he racked up a lot of bills, ended up being a thief and a liar, and destroyed a lot of faith I had in men.  He did give me two and a half wonderful children (miscarriage) and my boys were the joy of a woman who wasn’t sure she wanted children at all.  He was an absentee father and it think this was good for all of us because my mother and I raised the boys alone.  My son takes great delight in saying he was raised by two women because in this day and age it means something totally different, lol.

I remember the episode of Ellen where she came out and it did exactly what it should do, create conversations all over the World about people and their ‘secrets.’  I too had a conversation with my mother and this before I had even known about my own sexuality.  I asked her ‘what if I was gay?’  I don’t think she was shocked but she might have been worried since I didn’t date and she knew that.  Her answer though at the time has stuck with me over the years.  ‘I would be sorry because it seems like such a hard life’ but she let me know that she would still love me and I’ve felt that even years after she is gone.  She was right though, a lot of the time, it is a hard life!  Not something I would ‘choose.’  It is a part of who I am but it doesn’t DEFINE me!

I didn’t discover my attraction to women until in my thirties.  I began to watch ER with their lesbian storyline and it disturbed me.  I was raised in the Midwest and had only known a handful of lesbians in my time; I didn’t really know anything about it until then.  I didn’t realize how much it disturbed me until much later.  I began to think why not?  I wasn’t having dates with men, why not women.  I didn’t realize I had been too busy working and raising my children to have dates with anyone much less a woman or a man.  I made the time though to pursue this idea and found a wonderful woman who made me realize that yes, I like women much more than men.  It didn’t last but it taught me a lot about myself.  Did I tell everyone my discovery?  No, I only told a few close friends, no relatives.

Quite a few years have gone by and I began to publish books and stories that I had written over the years mostly with a lesbian themed romance.  Again, I haven’t officially ‘come out’ but then why should I?  At my age (number withheld because you don’t ask a lady her age, lol) I always figured, haven’t they figured it out by now?  If ‘they’ cared, they would have noticed, they would have read about me or read my books…whoever ‘they’ are, related or not.  If ‘they’ don’t know I’m a lesbian, then ‘they’ don’t deserve to be invited to my party.

My ‘party’ or my ‘coming out’ is ‘my life’ and you don’t get invited unless you are willing to accept me as I am.

I AM K’Anne Meinel, an author, a beginning activist, a woman, a mother, a lesbian, and a human being!

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10 thoughts on “Coming out!

  1. atlavocat says:

    “Coming out” helps the entire LGBT community. The more LGBT people that straight people know, the less animosity they will have to LGBT community. Bigotry is the result of ignorance, coming out is an education that can help end that ignorance.

    • wrenever says:

      Agreed. Seeing other LGBT people around leading ordinary lives normalizes homosexuality for both straight people and gay people who are still struggling with their journey. It also allows a relationship to function more genuinely.

  2. I’d be at your party. 🙂

  3. you tell them like it is!
    coming out is a hard thing to do and alot of people act like asses when you do, lost a lot of friends (but obviously not true friends) when i came out my parents and at least one of my sisters know but do not acknowledge it and do not talk about people being gay except that it is not right, and at christmas, and thanks giving i was preached to about needing to be saved although they never said it i know they were talking about me being gay, and it had nothing to do with me going to church they just wont bring them selves to say it. My other sister also never says any thing about me being gay but i know she knows, but she doesnt act all wearded out by it either.
    Yes i am out and very loud and proud about it and I dont care who knows or is offended by it I at 42 years old am finally truly happy and am not going to go back to the unhappy me, never did like being with a man just did it because its what i had to do to keep every one else happy. now its my turn to be happy and if people do not understand it then to bad.

  4. katerichards says:

    We often don’t know what goes on in the personal (especially sexual/relationship) lives of people we aren’t close to. Busness associates, the lady who checks us out in the market every day, the mail delivery person, and I think that’s fine. But I would hate to keep something so important from anyone who mattered. Because that is hard and it hurts. But if you are happy with how you live your life, nobody has the right to judge you for it.

  5. Andi says:

    Yes, coming out does force people to deal with reality. But not everyone lives in a “safe” place where it’s ok to be out. I don’t mean safe as in fighting people’s ignorance. I mean are they putting their lives and others lives in danger if they come out. Will they loose their jobs will they loose their kids (if they are under 18). Where I grew up in Rockingham county, NC, the Klu Klux Klan is still very active there. The older generation is dying out. It doesn’t mean their ideals are though. They are being passes to the next generations. Yes some people will question some won’t. Some will move some won’t. I had no desire to find a burning cross in my yard. I moved. Not everyone can. People who are important to me know. If they accept it fine. If they don’t. Tey know where the door is

  6. Patrick Haggard says:

    You are so right! why does it matter? Who needs to know? Straight people don’t jump out and say, “Hey look at me! I’m straight!” If they did, others would look at him/her like they were crazy or something. So why should you be any different? Why the big deal? I’ve known you for quite a while now and I know you don’t hide it. Far from it, but at the same time you don’t announce it either. If they ask, you answer. If they don’t like it, it’s their loss and why should you care if they do or don’t? The ones that love you are the ones that matter most.

  7. leaschott says:

    coming out gives you the chance to be you and not hide behind someone you are not

  8. atlavocat says:

    Everyone has to do what they think is right. But I have never heard from anyone in my entire life (and I’m 60) who regretted coming out. Sure, some had a hard time of it, especially when they first came out, but they learned a great deal from that experience – especially who was a “true friend” and who was not. Straight people assume everyone is straight – which is why them saying “Look at me, I’m straight” is redundant. Straight people express their heterosexuality constantly from the rings they wear to the comments they make. LGBT people should not have to remain silent. Coming out educates both the LGBT person and the straight community – to the fact that “we are everywhere”.

  9. Just me says:

    Wow, felt like I was reading my own story. I went back to college at age 39, after leaving my husband. It was an all-women’s school and I was told time and again I was a lesbian, gaydar and all that … but seriously I began getting defensive that people kept trying to define me. Leave me be and let me be me, whatever that is or isn’t.

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